Picture this: a guy walks into a bar and spots the most attractive woman in the room. Within minutes, he’s beside her buying drinks, cracking jokes, and doing everything he can to keep her attention.
Meanwhile, another guy is across the room laughing with his friends. He notices her, sure, but he isn’t orbiting around her like a desperate little satellite.
An hour later, she walks out with him.
Most people would call that luck.
Maybe.
But I think there’s something else going on.
Chasing Is for Bozos
Watch a gazelle being chased by a lion.
What does it do?
It runs.
Now picture a woman at a bar being followed around by some guy who won’t take a hint. She creates distance, looks for an exit, and probably hopes she never sees him again.
Two very different situations. Same basic reaction:
Get away from the thing chasing me.
Desperation isn’t attractive. And I’m not just talking about women. I’ve seen the same thing happen with clients, money, business opportunities, and practically everything else people desperately want.
But here’s where people get this idea wrong:
Pursuit isn’t the same thing as desperation.
Walking over and introducing yourself to a woman isn’t desperate. Sending a sales email isn’t desperate. Following up with a potential client isn’t desperate. Asking for what you want isn’t desperate.
You can go after something aggressively without needing it to work out.
That’s what I mean by nonchalance.
Make the move. Take your shot. Then let the chips fall where they may.
You Have to Do the Work First
Back to the bar.
Maybe the second guy wasn’t just lucky. Maybe he was in good shape, had a sharp haircut, wore clothes that fit, knew how to talk to people, and had an interesting life.
He had already done the work before the woman ever noticed him.
My favorite bodybuilder, Tom Platz, has said:
“Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.”
That’s how I try to approach things.
Prepare like hell. Then when the opportunity appears, you don’t have to desperately force something to happen.
And I learned that lesson the hard way in business.
Desperation Made Me Worse at Business
When I first started freelancing, I needed clients.
And because I needed them, I sometimes acted like I needed them.
That’s a terrible position to negotiate from.
I’d get overly invested in whether somebody hired me. I’d tolerate clients I should’ve walked away from because I wanted the money. I’d worry about deals that weren’t even particularly good deals.
When you’re starting from zero, some of that is unavoidable. You don’t have a reputation, referrals, or people banging on your door, so you hustle. You advertise. Send emails. Make offers. Follow up. Sell.
You pursue.
But you don’t have to mentally turn every potential customer into the last helicopter leaving Saigon.
As I got better at what I did and became more financially secure, I stopped needing every deal.
Someone wanted to nickel-and-dime me? No thanks. Someone seemed like they’d be a nightmare to work with? Good luck to you. Deal didn’t make sense? Walk away.
And something interesting happened.
Needing clients less made me better at dealing with clients.
I negotiated better because I wasn’t terrified of hearing no. I became more selective because I could afford to have standards. And I stopped making room for shitty clients just because they had money.
That’s nonchalance.
Not sitting on your ass waiting for business to magically appear.
Having enough options that you don’t need any particular one.
You Have to Earn Nonchalance
This is the part I think people get completely wrong.
They hear “stop chasing” and think:
Cool. I’ll sit around and let the universe bring everything to me.
No.
That’s laziness wearing sunglasses.
You have to earn the ability to be nonchalant.
Want more attention from women? Get in shape. Dress better. Learn how to talk to people. Build an interesting life. Then actually go meet women.
Want better clients? Get better at what you do. Produce good work. Build a reputation. Market yourself. Make offers. Ask for referrals.
Want more money?
Become more valuable.
The work comes first. Then comes the detachment.
Because if you’ve done nothing to create options, pretending you don’t care isn’t nonchalance.
You’re just pretending.
Build Options
This is probably the most useful thing I’ve learned about the whole subject:
Options make detachment possible.
If one potential client is the difference between paying rent and not paying rent, of course you’re going to feel pressure. If you’ve got ten people interested in working with you, losing one isn’t such a big deal.
Same thing with practically everything else.
That’s why my goal isn’t to convince myself that I don’t want things.
I do want things.
I want money. I want opportunities. I want my business to succeed. And if I see a woman I’m interested in, I’m not going to pretend I suddenly went blind.
I’ll make the move.
What I don’t want is to become so attached to getting one specific thing that I start making stupid decisions.
So I prepare. I put myself in position. I create options whenever I can.
Then I take my shot.
Stop Chasing What You Want
Nonchalance isn’t indifference. It isn’t laziness. And it definitely isn’t pretending you’re above everything because you’re scared of rejection.
It’s much simpler than that.
Do the work. Make the move. Don’t cling to the result.
Become good enough that you don’t have to beg people to give you a chance. Build enough options that one rejection doesn’t ruin your fucking week.
Then go after what you want.
If the answer is yes? Great.
If the answer is no? Fine.
Keep moving.
Because the goal was never to stop pursuing what you want.
The goal was to stop needing it.
— Uncle Blayde